I’m Angry and Embarrassed

It came to our (community’s) door…uninvited and unwelcomed.

Perhaps I was naïve, but I thought it happened in other places. Far away…even if it was close. Not our town…we would never be “them”…, but here we are one the news… everywhere…everyone is watching my city mourn.

At first, I thought it was another hoax. The ridiculous byproduct of our instantaneous world.

It wasn’t.

It was real.

IT IS REAL…EVEN THOUGH IT’S SURREAL.

ACTIVE SHOOTER ON MSU CAMPUS—SHELTER IN PLACE! That was the alert that invaded our our phones. *I still don’t quite comprehend. *

Police scanners, sirens, helicopters…audible whirring, watching, stalking the (my, our) land, houses, and streets, and lighting up the sky.

I suddenly wish we had more coverings on one window. (I beat myself up internally)…Why didn’t I think of that? Why didn’t I plan for this…what kind of mom am I?  

The calm’ish me tells my daughter to stay away from the one window that feels unsafe. The uncalm me…the scared me, thinks “we are sitting effing ducks”, while holding back tears.

Stop it Shelley, I yell internally to pull myself out of a daze.  There are people…someone’s people, my people, OUR PEOPLE! children…brothers…sisters… nieces…nephews…friends...acquaintances. They never had the privilege to rethink their goddamn window coverings or tell their loved ones to move away.

How do you choose your last phone call or text? How do you live life as if you never get that choice?

*Note to self, who needs to know how much I love them? Make sure to tell them ASAP. *

I can’t believe this is the world we live in. I can’t believe we can’t do better.

And yet, I’m safe. My people are safe. I am embarrassed to make this about me. I should be grateful and thankful. I don’t deserve to be scared, angry or traumatized. 

And then the voice inside me whispers “bullshit.”

Then it shouts to make sure I heard.

 WE MUST DO BETTER!

 I refuse to accept this reality.

Today, I cry. Openly, unabashedly, angrily and full of sorrow for all that is lost.

I will console my children, get myself together and live to fight another day.

Tomorrow and every day after…

I will go down fighting for peace. Our children deserve nothing less.

Hug your people, forgive fast and love hard,

~Shelley